Updates ; 

Ivan seems to be officially wheeling out of my life , cause i send him that text since last week he havnt replied. Actually i wanted to have a nice closure but seems that he left me faster then i even thought of.  When butter factory last night after a good at least 5months not heading down , butter crews were asking me if i had left ivan for good, because the way i stresses out and cried is just too off. And the thing is i felt like between him n me we are both loosing touch. And honestly , this question lingers in my mind every now n then, after a year plus , we got back isit just for comfort zone , or do you still love me as before , just.that you are vunerable now , and shut all enterance to this heart of yours. Totally clueless about all this ); lets just hope things would work better from now on. I just wanna be alittle happier. If you think you cant be happier anymore w me , then dont be. I dont want you to be in the middle either . If i loved you enough i will respect what your decision is no matter what , but dont just left without a word like how my dad left my mom. I just hate the hanging in the air feeling.  

Trying to move on, but ivan texted me today. I felt hesrt wrenched & sad ...... is just mixtures of feelings. What does he wanna says ? If you are coming back to solve this , i am telling you i have taken 5 steps away from you , is just too much this time round. When we got back together i thought things would be fine , till then so many little things pops up, i start to feel, the ivan back.thrn the one who loved me so much n loyalty ,& honesty. Remember.how we actually manage to gain the trust.etc , it was a long tough process. Seems like you have changed. I guess people changes, is 1year plus. The ivan i used to loved prolly wasnt around anymore , instead of comfort zone i felt like i am knowing someone new all over again. And is messy , scary& i dont know what to expect. I dontknow how i can trust your words. Because for the fact that ivan in the past wouldnt lie to me at all , all cost.

I dontknow if anyone or.anyone of my friends would read this.anytime sooner or even ivan, 

But , i just wanna.say that : ivan , if you kept bringing up the past , nothing we could do to make this work out n move forward. 

When you said it was stressing you out, it.was mentally exhausting mind fucking me too. It just felt so........ i dontknow ); hmmm.