Is 3am while i decided to come back here to rant out whatvera i am feeling right now. I felt so certainly screw up .

I can have a good life n future ahead , but i guess because me being me i am rebellious . I screw uo my pathway my mom pave for me ,since years ago.

Now i am just trying to get back on my foot n pace again building everything right up.

But i realise i couldnt.
The more steadily it works the more i doubt . I have a huge trust issues with people , but noy just people around me or working with me. But myself.

I am easily contented. But i am just so lost right now. I just dontwant to loose anythibg anymore.

Ivan hau , is a bad enough think for me to swallow my pride , my ego , my everything. I left him like finally few weeeksss back. I thought hey he was just a another passserby back to my life without him lofe wld be alot easier, less taxing not just being his dog n carpet. But i was wrong,
I made a wrong move.
Nearly 2 years back , ivan was the guy i loved dearly , we broke off because of the constant qurrales , him not putting himself in my shoes n souls. I gave him everything i could , the best of my everything. But 2 years later we dexided to try n work things out again after 1 year plus of breakoff  .


Well this time it did not just didnt work.
But it was just too disappointing. Because for the fact when he first kissed me again, he hugged me again n etc i knew everything had changed. But i tried to psychon myself thinking is just a new beginning. I could do it! I will do it! I will make it work ! Like how i always did it before in the past   but i guess i am living in the past , while he is not. He moved on , but why did he even agree getting back. If is just a simple straughtforward thing that he didnt want us back together things wld have been easier. I shouldnt have , you shouldnt have, we both shouldnt have made a decision to get back. We should just get on with our life. Shouldnt tie eachother back because of comfort zone.

Rght now i felt like almost shit everyday
My night have turn to day , while day had became my night. My body clock is screw. My heralth is horrible, i never smoke , but this time i did.

Whats the fuck wrong with me or with my luck.
Why cant everything just goes happily alil. I dont expect much , just smooth n steadily for each thingss or aspects in life );

Updates ; 

Ivan seems to be officially wheeling out of my life , cause i send him that text since last week he havnt replied. Actually i wanted to have a nice closure but seems that he left me faster then i even thought of.  When butter factory last night after a good at least 5months not heading down , butter crews were asking me if i had left ivan for good, because the way i stresses out and cried is just too off. And the thing is i felt like between him n me we are both loosing touch. And honestly , this question lingers in my mind every now n then, after a year plus , we got back isit just for comfort zone , or do you still love me as before , just.that you are vunerable now , and shut all enterance to this heart of yours. Totally clueless about all this ); lets just hope things would work better from now on. I just wanna be alittle happier. If you think you cant be happier anymore w me , then dont be. I dont want you to be in the middle either . If i loved you enough i will respect what your decision is no matter what , but dont just left without a word like how my dad left my mom. I just hate the hanging in the air feeling.  

Trying to move on, but ivan texted me today. I felt hesrt wrenched & sad ...... is just mixtures of feelings. What does he wanna says ? If you are coming back to solve this , i am telling you i have taken 5 steps away from you , is just too much this time round. When we got back together i thought things would be fine , till then so many little things pops up, i start to feel, the ivan back.thrn the one who loved me so much n loyalty ,& honesty. Remember.how we actually manage to gain the trust.etc , it was a long tough process. Seems like you have changed. I guess people changes, is 1year plus. The ivan i used to loved prolly wasnt around anymore , instead of comfort zone i felt like i am knowing someone new all over again. And is messy , scary& i dont know what to expect. I dontknow how i can trust your words. Because for the fact that ivan in the past wouldnt lie to me at all , all cost.

I dontknow if anyone or.anyone of my friends would read this.anytime sooner or even ivan, 

But , i just wanna.say that : ivan , if you kept bringing up the past , nothing we could do to make this work out n move forward. 

When you said it was stressing you out, it.was mentally exhausting mind fucking me too. It just felt so........ i dontknow ); hmmm. 

16th march 2014

16th march 2014 , 2.30am

Havnt blogged for the longest period of my time , but i decided to finally make a come back to this o'lil diary of mine to rants things out like how i used to. Right now i no longer really have an definate outlet to rants too ,because my girlfriends have their own boyfriends troubles & everyone else ard has each their own troubles n worries. Thus not being a burden , i guess penning everything down like this works better for me here ,

Been a longlong time ,since i even really come into blogger. While everyone is using dayre, i 'm still refusing to download to dayre , because reason being i am just not used to the new things. I am someone i like.being in my comfortzone , sticking with the same old grp of cliques because i feel safe around them. Thats me. i guess like wise for relationships speaks like this as well, i am not adventrous enough to explore n met someone new and let that someone new to know me all over again,going thru evwrything all over again. My stupid logic was , i rather staying with someone  who knows me in n out , been thru bad times , aorst & shits with me. Thus i am sticki g around here.with ivan. ( if you didnt know , ivan hau is my current boyfriend , we broke up 1year+ ago  and got back recently. But due to some issues he been giving me cold shoulders /cold war towards me. i dont want to talk much about this matter nor either do i want to bring this up.again between us. I just hope we could straighten things out soon , get things on track n hopefully not hanging in the air. Times like this drives me nuts most of the time , but i being so super insecurrities like always , cant just spammed him messages right. I know boys being boys they need to have their own time /alone time etc.

I guess time will heal everything.




3.13am 16th march.
feeling for another mood to talk again.
Feel like heading out for a smoke . Havnt got my cigg with me , havnt smoke for a good 5days because been w my family during my sourcing trip.
Just pluck up the courage to apps ivan, he finally replied. But he is in the club again.
Another friends birthday.
Is not that i dont trust him , but he said.....
Nvm , i guess it doesnt matter to him whether j am upset anymore , does it ?
I dontknow how to look positively like this , looking n thinking straight actually. 😔 , trying to really manage to think n focus other stuff. But i realise i couldnt. Sometimes now i wonder , does it still bothers him , i am sad or anything ? Does it bothers that i am still around.

*wipe spider webs*

Have neglected this space for quite awhile, but still i do check back to read about past little times 

once in awhile. Hi everyone, i wanna  say , i am back here blogging. Gonna get my dslr repair and  start taking wonderful pictures, blog about my life & blog about pictures i took. 

& *don't get sick of seeing my face here* HAHA, you know i am a ultimate camwhorer! 

Ohwell , which girl asint right?

So currently, i have nothing really awesome to talk about, i shall update soon, with various posts of my boyfriend Ivan, my new tattoos, & my new dog dodo! What lovely combinations additions after so long! (:

So long  i shall  stop here. Will post again! (:

Cheers

Chocolates , is what makes most girls

happy & jumpy during period

When you feel like indulging in FOOD,


You think of CUTE FOOD :

Post Valentine's,

How's Valentine's this 2012 for you peeps?
Mine? I spent my valentine in the morning w my mom & aunt in parkway shopping -
Changing of phone & number. (;

In the noon, i met up with felicia! We went to haji lane for cupcake session!
Yummy decor cupcakes at MY FAT LADY! You will love the design of them,

is so adorable & yet cheerful in decor & colour! (:

YELLOW -> COOKIE & CREAM

PINK -> RED VELVET

And of course having one cute lil cupcake is never enough,

thus we decided to share another:

DOUBLE CHOCO

PSSSST: Sharing is good sometimes, because you get to cut the calories by half! (:

Afterwhich did some window shopping while felicia shopped & spend a bomb!

*Evil Laughters*
Okay, i know is dame mean.

You should see how she actually wants to buy the whole lot!

As the time passes quick is time for felicia to leave

while i head over to Serangoon to meet Zinnia girlfriend &

train down together to holland village for our post valentine's dinner date and dessert.


Dinner at NYDC:

Super platter:

(pizza like potatoe, nachos & sweet bbq sauce chicken wings)

I <3 the chicken wing very much! hehehe

(sixth aveune & mango tango float)

Mushroom sandwich

Carbonara

After dinner ,brought zinnia to 2am dessert bar to chill & have dessert : TWIX

while she have morning dew Tea . (:


Not thinking of partying tonight at all, yet she pop the question to me.
So decided to head over to butter factory! Been a long time since i went there since
nowadays i am in attica .
So ending this post with the photos of us!


xoxo,