Is 3am while i decided to come back here to rant out whatvera i am feeling right now. I felt so certainly screw up .

I can have a good life n future ahead , but i guess because me being me i am rebellious . I screw uo my pathway my mom pave for me ,since years ago.

Now i am just trying to get back on my foot n pace again building everything right up.

But i realise i couldnt.
The more steadily it works the more i doubt . I have a huge trust issues with people , but noy just people around me or working with me. But myself.

I am easily contented. But i am just so lost right now. I just dontwant to loose anythibg anymore.

Ivan hau , is a bad enough think for me to swallow my pride , my ego , my everything. I left him like finally few weeeksss back. I thought hey he was just a another passserby back to my life without him lofe wld be alot easier, less taxing not just being his dog n carpet. But i was wrong,
I made a wrong move.
Nearly 2 years back , ivan was the guy i loved dearly , we broke off because of the constant qurrales , him not putting himself in my shoes n souls. I gave him everything i could , the best of my everything. But 2 years later we dexided to try n work things out again after 1 year plus of breakoff  .


Well this time it did not just didnt work.
But it was just too disappointing. Because for the fact when he first kissed me again, he hugged me again n etc i knew everything had changed. But i tried to psychon myself thinking is just a new beginning. I could do it! I will do it! I will make it work ! Like how i always did it before in the past   but i guess i am living in the past , while he is not. He moved on , but why did he even agree getting back. If is just a simple straughtforward thing that he didnt want us back together things wld have been easier. I shouldnt have , you shouldnt have, we both shouldnt have made a decision to get back. We should just get on with our life. Shouldnt tie eachother back because of comfort zone.

Rght now i felt like almost shit everyday
My night have turn to day , while day had became my night. My body clock is screw. My heralth is horrible, i never smoke , but this time i did.

Whats the fuck wrong with me or with my luck.
Why cant everything just goes happily alil. I dont expect much , just smooth n steadily for each thingss or aspects in life );